More importantly, it gave me a glimpse of London! My best friend is now studying there on a Chevening scholarship and if things go well, I might be on my way there too. Heh. Whether be it for a holiday or study there in UK, I now feel like I must go to London next year and explore every nook and cranny that Kak Teh (and Kenny Mah) mentioned in the blog(s). I want to experience the London that my dad, uncles and cousins talked about when I was just a kid. I want to meet fellow Malaysians and see Malaysia Hall there. I want to walk the streets of London and see for myself the countryside and take the Eurorail to Paris and Europe.  I think I still have a romantic notion of London till this day.

Anyway, something about Kak Teh’s blog has got me thinking. She did a MA in Malay studies. I am presently thinking of doing a MA in Human Rights in UK and I am really scared that if I actually get the letter of offer from the university, would I be able to handle the stress? I haven’t written an academic paper for yonks and even though writing comes to me quite naturally (sorry, KT!), I find myself flummoxed when writing in a formal academic way. Come to think of it, I don’t even know if I will know how to study for the exams! But the dice is cast – I have already submitted my Chevening application and the next thing I just have to do is type out the personal statements.

Also, she wrote about people who have touched her life in many ways and were called home to God. It made me think about the brevity of life and what should I do now to appreciate all that life has to offer me. So in a way, KT’s blog has revived my flagging will to get started on the university applications (as well as applying for the Duskin leadership stint and Erasmus Mundus scholarships) and also inspired me to come back to my blog and breathe new life in it. I hope I can type abit of post every day, if not every other day because I need to keep myself busy. I have too much free time on my hands after work – maybe it’s time for me to start on my exercise program and maybe blog about my attempts to get a six-pack tummy.

I can go on about what else I want to do but I just want to place on record my thanks to KT for her very interesting blog stories and inspiring me.

Hopefully, this will mean a more active blog here in days to come!

then Raya is a time for me to reflect upon my life thus far this year.

What I have done up till now,

and what I have not done and wish I could have done till now.

I realise, as I weigh both scales, my regrets sink way down more than my achievements.

What has gone wrong?

Why have I let it happen?

I don’t really know.

I walk across the hall, looking out at the stars, the fathomless dark midnight veil.

The moon is almost there; it should be greeted with joy

and yet, I sigh.

I know I am being incredibly pessimistic now and it probably sounds like a typical me.

But I want to be happy.

I want to feel good about myself.

How?

I check my goal list and those goals seem so very far ahead.

I desperately need to sleep yet my mind tosses and turns.

I probably don’t make a good bed partner if my thoughts continue to intrude into my dreams, every night. Or is it just my body being uncomfortable with my pillow and mattress?

Maybe it is the small alarm clock by my pillow, that reminds me of the unfailing, unceasing movement of the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years.

And in the end, what gives?

Will my soul be garlanded with my life’s regrets or achievements?

Or just a simple welcome to eternal home where I have earned my rest.

Earn…sounds such a dirty word.

We have to think of the good and bad of our actions. We say that there is a reason for everything but how do we know that life is worth going on?

Or do we just hang on to life with the infinite grace of God’s mercy and love?

I shouldn’t kid myself – I should know I am loved by God.

Yet, I struggle to accept that very fact and keep on searching for that thing or person that will give me the satisfaction that gives me the impetus to keep on living.

When will I stop doing that?

When will I learn to let myself go and trust God?

It sounds strange, that I am writing a diatribe of myself to myself, and question the faith that has shaped my thoughts, my beliefs over the years.

Is it wrong? I don’t think so. We will always look in ourselves and wonder…how do we keep living?

Maybe I should just think that…God is in everyone. Maybe I should learn to see that way, no?

After all, the little and big things, God has created, right?

It is now morning, and I have thought of all these things in my sleep.

What a night, huh?

People ask what’s bothering me, and I can’t articulate about it to them. I find that very upsetting and traumatising. So here, I am, writing this to myself, and probably laugh over this next time I come back to my blog.

Oh well.

Good morning to everyone.

Have a safe, meaningful Raya and may all of God’s favours be with you on this auspicious occasion.

Don’t worry about me, I will be fine. It is just one of those days.

Everywhere, the bright lights hurt my eyes.

I have a pair of sunglasses in my bag but I don’t want to look like a fool.

And yet, this place evokes so strong memories of you.

I try to suppress my feelings of..

sadness, hatred, despair.

And in my quest to do so, my heart gives a painful squeeze that almost chokes the breath out of me.

Will I ever learn to move on?

From you, from this place, from all the memories that haunt me.

The truth is, I cannot.

For I have never felt that it has been closed up properly.

I have tried to press for a firm exit, from it all and I thought I did it.

But the hole is still festering; as I continue my walk along the corridors once again,

My mind harks back to that magical time,

when it was just you and me, believing in love’s wonders.

And now, it is raining cats and dogs outside.

The thought of you living so near here drives the wedge even further into my heart.

I look at a face here and there.

I listen to the noises here and there.

I smell the familiar comforting wafts of waffles baking, the chocolate donuts, buttery popcorn.

I taste them, and for a moment,

It is just me in my own world, tasting the bittersweetness of it all.

Would you know what I am going through, passers-by?

I am with you, through it all.

Close your eyes,

Dream of the brilliant sunshine, the fresh green grass…

Let the sweet music of the bird chirrups fill your heart

Dream a thousand favourite things….

And……I am with you,

I am there, holding your hand.

And even though my heart may break into a million pieces,

Please know I have done this out of love for you…

Though the night may be dark,

Though thunder may scare me,

Though I will never get to see your smiling face again every morning,

Though I will always miss the sound of those little footsteps…

Believe me…..

I am there, holding your hand.

I am there, praying with you.

I am there, breathing with you.

I am with you, through it all….

Hush, now, whimper no more…

Don’t be scared…

An angel will be bringing you to a better place

Soon, you can race again, laughing your special laugh!

So, my precious love, I will be with you, through the end.

I will always love you…and you know I do….

And even though my heart may break into a million pieces,

Please know I have done this out of love for you…

Dedicated especially to those who had to put their beloved pets to sleep -

The slow first struggle to break free..

Tethering on to its last remnants of warm, snug home.

Now that the sun is shining,

it feels the call of the wind.

It spreads open its wings, one by one.

Ah, how cool the wind feels!

It lets go, dropping from its silk wraps,

It stifles its cry…knowing that it must grow up.

And lo, behold,

It can fly!

Mama, can you see me?

Papa, can you see me?

I am finally a butterfly!

I am no longer a hairy pupa, an ugly caterpillar…

I can fly!

I am beautiful; my colours are bold, dazzling

And I know they also serve as my camouflage when things go wrong for me.

Mama, can you see me?

Papa, can you see me?

I am no more a leaf-eater…I can now taste the sweet nectar

That you have told of long ago.

I can finally do my duty to be a good citizen –

I will help pollinate flowers

And my job is done when they bloom!

Mama, can you see me?

Papa, can you see me?

I am now a gorgeous butterfly

And I am so ready to be on this amazing journey of life!

Mama, can you see me?

Papa, can you see me?

I am in love with the world…..

I am in love with the world….

I am in love with the world…..

I would like to take you on a long car ride

driving out there in the brilliant sunshine,

with our hair flying in the breeze.

I would like to have a picnic with you by the shimmering lake,

watching ducks bob up and down serenely

and lying on the green, green grass.

I would like to talk to you of things I have always been meaning to tell you,

to share with you, my ever confidante

and all our favourite things, however mundane they may sound.

I would like to dance with you

a waltz, a swirl, a jive, even just holding each other’s hands

It doesn’t matter what dance we’d be doing – I just want to breathe in your presence.

Your laughter I want to lock away in my mind,

Your twinkling eyes I want to keep them safe in my heart,

Your smiles lovingly cradled in my most precious memories.

Oh….

If I can, I would also like to race with you down the asphalt

I would also like to do the bungee-jump you have been daring me forever to do

I would also swim with you – to forget the worries, the hurt, the pain that would go away with each steady lap we make

I would sing all our songs, teaching you to remember that chord, the chorus.

I would hold tightly onto your hands, walking down the streets.

My friend, I would do all these things if time can turn back.

I would do them without any complaint or regret.

I promise.

But all I have is just wonderful, wonderful memories of our times together, short as they may be…

I just want to say -

You are my precious friend, my companion, my partner-in-crime – there is no one like you.

I miss you.

Unfortunately, I have prior engagements this whole weekend so I guess I’d only start on this Monday with whatever I can write!

Here’s to fun, dreams, challenges and most of all, enjoyment as I craft out my story through the next 27 days!

We were still at that same hotel counter.

You looked so shocked, and lost at what to do.

I yearned to hold your hand again, but I could not.

Because in my heart, I knew you were still with your partner.

And I don’t want to open my already healing wound again.

Your eyes seeking me out, asking me: Is that really you?

What could I say, except just nod my head and glance away when your hands passed to me my room key?

Was I too proud to admit that I still thought of you all the while?

I wheeled my bag to the lift, head up, chin defiant.

The doors closed to seeing your hurt eyes.

I went up to my room, breathing in the familiar smell of the place that I now learnt to call my home.

You sent me a text, which was unexpected. I thought you had forgotten my number, or rather deleted my contact from your list.

It was brief: Are you free after 3pm?

I pondered. It was 2pm. An hour to collect my thoughts in the already-planned bath with my favourite indulgent bath foam.

I walked to the large window and shied my eyes from the glaring sunshine; down below on the busy streets, cars were zipping by and the hoi polloi were streaming everywhere.

I sat down on the soft bed and typed my reply:

Why?

After unpacking my bag, I stood up to read your message – can we talk?

I laughed: If you have already a partner, why want to talk to me? You know me well; I never like to be the third party.

And yet, something tugged at my heart. What is just a harmless catch-up after all these years?

With a shrug, I texted back: Alright.

We’d meet at the cafe outside the hotel. You didn’t want to gather so much attention.

After my fitful bath, I angrily showered the suds out of my hair and looked at my reflection:

Why am I so bitter?

I dried myself and carefully selected my clothes: not too casual, not too formal, not too flippant, not too desperate.

In the end, I decided to go with my grey-white khakis and a light blue polo shirt with my handy sandals.

I spritzed on my regular cologne and paused. This was your favourite smell; would you recognise it again?

I strolled out into the still harsh sunlight and crossed over to the cafe on the dot of 3pm.

You were seated in a wicker chair, your sunglasses purposely there to block direct eye contact?

I was wearing sunglasses too – maybe we still think on the same wavelength again.

My drink has been pre-ordered. I smile my thanks.

“So… what is new?”

“J, I have split up.”

“Oh.”

I stared at the rapidly condensing lemon tea.

I have been dreaming of this moment, so often, but I don’t know how to react in the nicest way possible.

If love is just being in each other’s presence, is this why you love me?

If love means waiting so long, so hard for the other person to say yes, is this why you love me?

If love has to be this difficult, at my expense (and probably yours), is this why you love me?

Should I just kick away the boulder or let it roll down?

I am at the very precipice of this cliff; I have no safety-harness to pull me to safer grounds.

You, with your eyes, remind me so much of the past. I have diligently sought to bury the past, tuck it hard under the shrouds, and learnt to harden my heart.

Why now should I succumb to saying yes to you?

What do you want me to say? Yes, yes, yes. I want to go back to you.

But have you ever thought how much my heart was in pain, those sleepless nights?

Have you ever said a single hello to me during those festive occasions?

You didn’t. You were secure in your relationship. I granted you that freedom.

And now.

I have to make the final step.

My eyes, closed all the while open, struggling to contain the tears:

“Let’s go back and start afresh, can we?”

******

Would you do the same, Reader? Tell me why and why not.